My family has a long history of anxiety issues.
I have always prided myself on my apparent lack of realized symptoms. My cousins and siblings would be sick to their stomachs before starting school, cry when dropped off at friends' homes, and have spent lifetimes working on ways to cope with their anxious tendencies.
Usually, that hasn't been me. That is, until I started college.
I am a very confident person, but at the same time, I am incredibly insecure. I feel like this is a common trait found in teens/young adults, but in my personal experience, this insecurity has manifested itself in a tendency for anxiety that I have never had before.
In high school, I never got sick to my stomach before going out with friends. In grade school, I never had unstoppable shaking legs while doing homework assignments. Members of my family have spent their entire lives dealing with this, and they know how to handle it. I, on the other hand, am an almost 20-year-old who has no clue what the hell I am supposed to do about this.
This past Saturday, while getting ready for a night out with my favorite people, I became so overwhelmed with a sense of dread and anxiety that I physically could not sit up. I laid down on my futon, put on my most relaxing music, and passed out for nearly an hour.
Now, I am sitting here heading out to choir rehearsal, chemistry recitations, and a co-rec wiffle ball game. But I am also sitting here unable to make my leg stop shaking or the pit in my stomach to go away. I have no reason to be this nervous. There are no huge exams or assignments hanging over my head. Today is a pretty routine day.
So why am I so anxious?
This I would like to know. This has been slowly getting worse over the last year or so. I am not sure if it is even sever enough to worry about. Timeout: that sounds stressful. Worrying about my worrying.
Maybe I just need to sleep.
Maybe I just need to go home for a weekend.
Maybe I just need to breathe.
I'll start with that.
