On Anxiety

My family has a long history of anxiety issues.

I have always prided myself on my apparent lack of realized symptoms.  My cousins and siblings would be sick to their stomachs before starting school, cry when dropped off at friends' homes, and have spent lifetimes working on ways to cope with their anxious tendencies.

Usually, that hasn't been me.  That is, until I started college.

I am a very confident person, but at the same time, I am incredibly insecure.  I feel like this is a common trait found in teens/young adults, but in my personal experience, this insecurity has manifested itself in a tendency for anxiety that I have never had before.

In high school, I never got sick to my stomach before going out with friends.  In grade school, I never had unstoppable shaking legs while doing homework assignments.  Members of my family have spent their entire lives dealing with this, and they know how to handle it.  I, on the other hand, am an almost 20-year-old who has no clue what the hell I am supposed to do about this.

This past Saturday, while getting ready for a night out with my favorite people, I became so overwhelmed with a sense of dread and anxiety that I physically could not sit up.  I laid down on my futon, put on my most relaxing music, and passed out for nearly an hour.

Now, I am sitting here heading out to choir rehearsal, chemistry recitations, and a co-rec wiffle ball game.  But I am also sitting here unable to make my leg stop shaking or the pit in my stomach to go away.  I have no reason to be this nervous.  There are no huge exams or assignments hanging over my head.  Today is a pretty routine day.

So why am I so anxious?

This I would like to know.  This has been slowly getting worse over the last year or so.  I am not sure if it is even sever enough to worry about.  Timeout: that sounds stressful.  Worrying about my worrying.

Maybe I just need to sleep.
Maybe I just need to go home for a weekend.

Maybe I just need to breathe.

I'll start with that.

2012- A Year in Review

When I first thought about writing this review of my year, I was a little hesitant.  Nothing exciting happened this year, right? Not exactly.  This year, I didn't exactly start a huge new chapter in my life, but at the same time, I have become a completely different person.  Hopefully, that is for the better.
Here we go... 2012.

In 2012, I turned 19.  It was my first birthday away from home, but it was probably the best birthday I have ever had.  I was nervous that I would miss my extended family, but my friends at school made it a weekend to remember, and my parents and grandparents came to take me out to dinner that night.  I could not have asked for more.

Too many surprises to handle. 

I completed my second semester at the University of Notre Dame.  My second semester was a defining time for me.  I switched my major.  I made new friends.  I had my first major "call mom crying from college" moment ( I was a little late on that one- don't most people do that in their first couple weeks?). And through all of that, I learned how to be myself and stick to what I know no matter what life threw at me.  It was a crazy four months.  

I worked three jobs over the course of one summer.  It was hard to manage at times, but provided some of the absolute best experiences of my life.  I celebrated my three year anniversary in retail.  Hard to believe it has been three years since I applied for my first job with no idea what to expect.  They have been so good to me, and I could not have asked for a better first job experience.  I worked my first "office" job.  I had to take the train, I had my own ID to get to the seventeenth floor of my building, and I had to look the part.  That job wasn't exactly challenging in essence, but its setting was a huge learning curve.  I am so grateful for that experience, and I have already been able to implement what I learned! My final job of the summer was the most rewarding experience of my year.  Thirteen days.  I stayed there for thirteen days and met some of the greatest people I have ever met, learned some amazing things, and had an absolute blast the entire time.  I could not have asked for a better two weeks.  

 Leadership activities

 Top of the Sears Tower! (NOT the Willis Tower)

 I loved working in the city. 

 Northwestern was gorgeous, though not as pretty as ND, of course.

An office with a view!

I had an amazingly musical summer.  I saw Olly Murs and One Direction (squeals), Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw (so much fun), and went to all three days of Lollapalooza.  I even tried out for American Idol.  Sometimes I have to take a step back and realize just how lucky I am to have the opportunities I have had.  My family, Chicago, and a little luck have given me some pretty cool experiences.

 My sister and I were just a little excited. 

 Floor seats!

 He was so good!

 Then One Direction came on and we got REALLY excited. 

 Tim McGraw at Soldier Field!

 American Idol Auditions- SO much fun 

 Three insane, exhausting days at Lollapalooza 

 Day 2 Evacuations 

 And then the mud...oh, the mud. 

And finally, I began my third semester at Notre Dame.  This semester was different.  It was exciting, but a lot more familiar.  It's a lot easier to start off with realistic expectations and friends!  We had an amazing football season as well, and I'll be in Miami January 7th to cheer on my Irish!  This semester, I tried to get more involved, and ended up having a lot of fun because of it.  I can not wait to see what the rest of my time at ND brings!

First day back! Definitely a sight for sore eyes. 

The greatest seats for the greatest football season I'll witness. 

Gamedays with my girls! 

Flag football!

Dances!

A trip to Pittsburgh and a spontaneous movie trip!

I may not have made any drastic changes in 2012, but I grew and I thrived and I am ready to take on what 2013 has to bring.

Speaking of 2013...

It is shaping up to be an amazing year.  I'll be in Miami for four days in January, Spring Break skiing in Utah, a potential summer job in the hospital, and hopefully, Fall 2013 in London, England.  Either way, it will definitely be a year to remember! 

Weight On My Shoulders, Orgo On My Mind

Today was stressful, to say the least.  Do you ever have those days where it feels like you're in a haze, no matter what you do? That was me today.  Just thinking about everything I have to do in the next two weeks is enough to send me hiding.  When I get like this, which is more often than I like to admit, I tend to react in a certain way.  I tackle little, manageable things, but I can never seem to jump over that hurdle that's holding me down.

Today, that hurdle was this Orgo Lab Report.  I've had it assigned for two weeks, and it's due tomorrow.  Of course, I waited until the last minute.  I know that I will be able to finish it in time, no matter how much I won't enjoy it.  But there's still this sense of dread when I think about working on it. 

Instead of sitting down at 10:15 pm when all my meetings finished and just working on it, I proceeded to decorate my hallway for Christmas, talk with my friends, and workout.  I guess the working out part was positive! But now it's 1 am, and I'm just starting. Typical me.  

Is it Christmas yet?

Anyway, no more spilling my heart for no one to read. Time to tackle this hurdle.  

Renee Michelle Ohrn

August 6, 1992- October 1, 2011

I remember the very first time I met you.  June 2007 at Hidden Lake Park.  You were tall and had your cartilage pierced, and I thought you seemed like the coolest person in the world. Turns out, you pretty much were.

I remember the first day of school.  You had a locker two down from mine.  You were in my homeroom, and even though I had quit soccer, you were nice to me.  You helped convince me to join the team again. Thanks for that.

I remember getting to know you those first few months of high school.  We had a blast on the JV team.  You also played varsity, but you were so humble about it.  I quickly learned that that was just how you were.

I remember finding out that when you got to high school, you hadn't been kissed yet.  Sorry for spilling the beans on that one, dollface, but I had to share.  I was so nervous that I was a loser because I hadn't either.  You showed me that it was okay.

I remember homecoming freshman year.  Now that is a dance that I'll always remember.  We joked about how Mrs. Herr had told you your dress was inappropriate.  You didn't have the greatest time, but you were still the most fun one there.

 Homecoming 2007

 I remember how you invited me to your house that summer.   We went to the beach, ate fruit, and talked about life.  We had a soccer scrimmage that night, but your brother took us to Quaker Steak and Lube anyway.  We listened to Brad Paisley in his truck and had way too many wings.  We probably didn't play our best games that night, but we had a great day.

[A different day at the beach;  it's from the soccer beach party.  When I walked into your funeral service, it was hanging on one of your many photo boards. As awful as that day was, it was a beautiful reminder of the happier times.]  

I remember how you set me up for homecoming sophomore year.  I had an amazing time, and it was all because of what you did.  I don't remember if I thanked you for that.  Sorry if I didn't.

I remember all the fun we had at soccer.  Even on the worst days-full of endless sprints and drills- you were always the one keeping us going.  I can still hear your voice yelling "Come on, ladies!" or "Push yourselves!" as we struggled to finish Grandma's House in time. I can hear your voice in a game as we huddled up, out of breath and half-wheezing, telling us that we can play harder. You were so focused and determined, but at the same time, you knew exactly when to have fun.

Senior Night 2009

 Senior Soccer Season 2010

Soccer Girls - Homecoming 2010

Senior Night 2010 

[Remember how Morton almost didn't show up? You were so worried your dad wouldn't be able to see you play after he had traveled so far.  I am so grateful he did.]

I remember Senior Retreat.  I am so grateful you were in my small group that first night. I learned so much about you, but there are two moments that stick out the most to me.  Towards the end of the session, we had the chance to ask others in the group a question.  When your turn came around, you said, "When is the moment you have felt the most alive?" That made us all stop and think. You talked about a concert; I talked about a repelling adventure.  Renee, looking back on this moment, I know that you were an angel for all of us.  

The second moment I remember is when we were asked which member of the group we would trade places with.  Every single person in that circle said you.  You had an outlook, an attitude, and a drive that none of us had even thought possible.  We wanted to be you.  You seemed surprised, but how could we resist?  

Fall Retreat II- October 2010

The rest of senior year is a blur.  You were beautiful on homecoming court, and a ton of fun at the dance.  At Megahn's Debut, you photobombed a picture that I will cherish forever, simply because you're in it.  In May, you were the most beautiful prom queen I've ever seen.  

I'm so sorry we grew apart at the end of senior year.  We never had a conflict, but we drifted into two different friend groups once soccer ended, and we didn't see each other that last summer.  

I wish there was more to remember from that time, but I do have the hundreds of wonderful memories from the four years I knew the hilarious and insightful and silly and kind person you were.  I will always cherish them.

There are parts of last October I don't want to remember, and I wish I could go back and stop what happened.  But I will choose to remember the outpouring of love that came forth during those first few days and the long weeks and months after.  The love for you, Renee, is unmatched.  Not a day goes by where I don't think about you.

One year ago today, the world lost one of its brightest lights.

I will never forget you, Renee, and I will always love you.

Hell Week

This week marks my first hell week of sophomore year.  What is exactly is a hell week? Let me tell you.  This week I have an English paper, a Calculus Exam, a Sociology project, and an Organic Chemistry Exam on top of all my regular reading and homework for my other classes.

I am stressed, but not too painfully yet.  I have worked my butt off all weekend to get ahead in regular classes, finish projects early, and study.  I didn't go out Friday or Saturday night, and have spent all day today working on a paper.  Hopefully, I'll survive this week.

But first, I have to FINISH THIS PAPER.  It is due at 6 pm tomorrow night and, of course, I only have  a heading on the word document.  That's not to say I haven't spent hours working on it.  I have an entire whiteboard covered with outlines and revised (and revised and revised) theses and forms.

My paper writing process is a little ridiculous.  The writing itself takes very little time.  It's the planning and coming up with ideas that take forever.  Once I know what I want to say, the words flow from my brain to my keyboard at lightning speed.  The hurdle to overcome is coming up with what I want to say.  Wish me luck that I'll figure it out soon!


On a happier note, here's a picture from Father's Day 2012 that I just discovered today.  I might be a little less blonde these days, but I still miss these fools like no other.  ...Is it fall break yet?

Probably trying to make fun of my signature pose...rude.

Living Off Campus

I'm only a sophomore, and I don't plan on living off campus until my senior year.
A week ago, that meant that I didn't even need to think about my options and plans until the end of this year/ beginning of next year.

But then came the storm of people going for showings, signing leases, and finding out that availability for TWO YEARS from now is not guaranteed.

This has opened a Pandora's box of things to consider.  Who will I want to live with in two years? Will we still be good friends? Where will we live? Is it safe? Is it clean? Is it reasonably priced? How will I get back and forth to campus? Will I have a car? A bike? What if it snows? Or rains?  Too many questions!!

After a full week and a half of constant research, I have found three friends that I am fairly confident I'll still want to be around in two years (I sound so cynical!).  We've narrowed our choice to one townhouse development that's only a year or two old, and we've contacted a private landlord for a showing!

Hopefully this works out.  The idea of living in a house all by ourselves, with the responsibility for food and gas bills and cleaning is rather daunting.  But at the same time, if I want to go to med school, the first time I pay a cable bill shouldn't be the same week I wear a white coat for the first time.

This growing up thing is happening way too fast.  I'd like to go back to fourth grade, please?

Space

 I haven't posted on here in quite a while.  It was a crazy end to the summer, and maybe I'll go through those months soon.  Anyway, I'm back at school.  It's been three weeks, and while ninety-nine percent of the time I love being at school, tonight is different.  Tonight, is that one percent.

I'm not sure what I want to say.  All I know for sure right now is that I need space.  Last year, I had a roommate who was not in my friend group nor did we really talk that much.  But it was a comfortable silence. We understood each others' routines.  We were used to each other.  It was the best possible end to the situation we were put in.

This year, I'm rooming with one of my very best friends, which has been so incredibly fun.  However, that doesn't mean it hasn't come with its fair share of stress.  It is really hard getting used to living with someone different.  Having friends come in and out, having her boyfriend here at any given time, and being with someone basically 24/7 can get exhausting.

I miss my space.  I'm not homesick this time around.  This time last year, the idea of going home and getting into my bed could send me into a fit of tears, so badly did I wish to be there.  This year, it's different.

Tonight, I want to go home because at home, I have a space that is completely mine.  I can close my door and lay on my bed and not worry about people walking in or someone else being there.  Even last year, my roommate and I coexisted in a way that allowed me to be by myself in the room even when I wasn't.  This year, I'm constantly surrounded by people.  Usually that's fine.  Sometimes, it's not.

This year is different, and it's taking me longer than expected to get used to it.

Tonight, I wish I had a single.  Tonight, I wish I had my old roommate.  Tonight, I wish I was at home.

I'm nearly positive tomorrow I'll wake up and wonder why those thoughts ever ran through my mind.

But tonight? Tonight I'm hiding in a study room, crying as I FaceTiming my best friend from home and writing a rambling blog post in a sad attempt to gather my thoughts.

Here's to a better tomorrow.